Am I defeated?

It's about our project. It's about another one's gain. It's about lowing my head.

LKY's project has been finally done. Thank you Angela. I did contribute, but I had little to spill out. I have to confess I have little sense to INTERNATIONAL affairs. When you told me to do this do that, I am silent. When I was with someone who has strong personality, I kept silence. Someone said I just lost my confidence. Is it a JUST case? Or through these years, I have already been as normal as lots of people are? Well, the only thing that I did not do is I didn't let my tears roll down. After that, I took a little think about it and found myself just a kid, or like a kid. I don't even want to explain. In my mind, ok, well, let it be ba. Everytime I do something, I think no one cares. Is it because I have been defeated?

When I heard that Amanda got the opportunity in Gosh. I could even hardly spell the famous investment group name!!!! Okay, that's it. Somebody knowing that group will understand what I am talking about. I appreciate her passion on continuing to improve herself. As long as she find other's ads, she will follow, not simply mimic, but absorb and let it be her own ability. Is it a good attitude to the world and to the people around us? Is it a good way to improve oneself? I can hardly imagine that I am just doubting such thing. Several years ago, I must have taken every good benefits to get access to what I want to be or get. However, now, I have been changing. Who changes me? Me? The environment? I always think other's advantages are just their unique gene. I don't even consider to learn from them. I always think I am living my own life. Since I seem to find my own position in the world, why did I feel sad about other's success? Am I just jealous? Imbalance in mind? Why?

Two ways fix myself. One, first clear up nonsense. Take a good think about people and things around you. Classify them into two parties. One is useful and another is useless at least now is. Then, focus on the useful one. I think if I take this method. I will have to 1. break up with Han; 2. find a place to sleep at night; 3. improve my online test ability without any hesitation; 4. be ready for no marriage; 5. give up my photography. The other way is that persuade myself to self full filling, which means fit myself in. Getting a clear picture who I am indeed, then make a plan for myself.

Let me just go back to the time before came to singapore. My plan is 1. get NUS master degree; 2. achieve ACCA certification; 3. get a job in DBS; 4. continue to take photos until I die; 5. don't want to burden the pressure caused by raising up kids; 6. no matter do what kind of job, just for support my photography life. However, really a trigger!!! such kind of things are a little mixed with my feelings and thoughts. I clearly remember that late in the year of 2008, I held a firm target to enter investment banking industry. But early in the year of 2009, after I met Uncle 3, my idea about life was totally changed. The attitude was kept until I came to Singapore and I found myself lost ambitious goal. How could I be like this? Is it a good attitude to life? I am still too young. Is it enough to cease my running life?

Since I learnt such a kind of things, accounting, finance, economics, I should do smt upon them ba. If finally, I devote myself to art. Still I will not be surprised. Maybe it's really my destination. Who knows?

I can't think too much. Recently, there's another big problem need to solve, but I'm now in examination mood. I couldn't spare too much time on it. So put it aside. Everything will be discussed until I finished my exam. Anyway, the final is really important for me. So my conclusion here is what I was talking above is totally shit. Forget all about it. One thing I should keep in mind that you have your finals!!!!!!! Remember, everything can be changed before you decide to do. Thus, I contribute for good result and those sub-important problems are kept to be dealt with later and they are remaining unchanged. I don't need to bother whether they will affect.

Finally, god bless my exams.